I had the opportunity (I suppose) to re-learn a tough lesson this week. Something I’ve always really known, but something that I seem to constantly need to be reminded of over and over again, especially in relation to the individuals who I am forced to call “family”:
Some people never learn. Some people don’t take responsibility for their actions. Some people just want to blame everyone else, and be the victim. Most importantly? Some people suck.
It wasn’t like I needed a reminder as to why I was no longer speaking to them. I have been quite confident in this decision for a number of reasons. Perhaps I needed some reassurance that it was the right decision. This weekend, the nails were hammered into the proverbial coffin, and I was more sure of my decision then I’d ever been before. Not that I had intended on reconciling with the current climate, and lack of responsibility on their part, but if there was even a tiny inclination of forgiveness in the future, it has completely vanished.
Between the texts that I received this past week, that proved that they were materialistic, self-serving gift givers, and the guilt trips where they accused me of holding my children hostage from them (in case anyone is wondering, my kids have not even breathed a word of them since we’ve stopped talking, which says a great deal), I was still content to just ignore them. I have no interest in playing these games with them; they do something nice for you with the belief that you are now in their debt. When the cards don’t necessarily go in their favor, they show you the long line of “selfless” things they have done/bought for you, and expect complete devotion.
Because yanno, buying my love has sort of worked for them in the past.
And since I’ve taken that power away from them, they are resorting to their old school tendencies that include manipulation and an attempt to sway the power back into their favor.
I am not sure if this message was not clearer before, but I’m actually done with the “good birthmother/daughter” role. Completely done, and finished with it. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated by people who have never had my best interest at heart. Sorry, guys.
But then there was this little thing, the little thing that ignited the realization that these people I am forced to call my family have not changed in even the slightest since I relinquished The Kiddo:
My brother has possibly gotten a girl pregnant.
He chose not to wear a condom. He chose to engage in fully, unprotected sex. It doesn’t matter if he says she didn’t want him to wear one; he chose to make that a perfectly acceptable request and continued to have unprotected sex with her. He is as guilty as guilty can be.
When he first called me, I blasted him about not using protection. I told him that he had to support her, figure out what do about a possible paternity test if she was willingly admitting there had been multiple partners, and that eventually, he’d have to tell his parents. I expected that it would go over just as gloriously it had when I had told them about my unplanned pregnancy.
Two days later, I found myself reading texts from him telling me, “Mom says it’s not mine, so it’s not mine. The girl is an idiot, and is lying”.
Uh? Come again?
Or really, am I that surprised?
Of course, that woman said he was off the hook for any responsibility. Of course, she’s telling you to avoid, likely because she’s martyring herself once again, because this time, the child involved can actually disappear without anyone knowing the true story. Much easier this time then having to watch your daughter “parade her pregnancy around town”. Instead, let’s vilify the pregnant girl and make it all her fault. Of course!
The irony of this situation is not lost on me. I told The Hubby last year that I knew my brother was going to wind up in this situation; my prediction was he’d end up with a nasty STD, or a girl would get pregnant. With little to no sex education, I knew he was essentially just a walking, talking, having unprotected sex timebomb. He has no idea what an STD looks or feels like. He has no concept of how contraceptives work. And no concept of what responsibility comes with the act of having sex.
Though it would seem his parents also don’t get that either.
He has been refused proper sex education, because to them, the fear of him learning about homosexuality or masturbation was greater then making sure he had the proper tools to make sexual decisions as a young adult. They refused to talk to him about sex other then as a basis for scare tactics involving his so called spiritual salvation, and what it would mean for him in terms of his membership within their religion. They have never considered the burning reality of having a child who has no information regarding his own sexuality, and what it can mean for those who may choose to engage with him in a sexual manner.
When will people get that kids have sex even when they don’t know what they are really doing? Talk to your kids about sex.
Not so shocking, is the fact that my parents have not learned a damn thing from their experience ten years ago, when I came home with the same news. They dealt (though some would say they did not “deal” at all) with a teen pregnancy, and instead of using it as grounds to continue the conversation with the rest of their children, they decided that not talking, and completely avoiding, was the right answer.
Yes, because pretending sex doesn’t happen means it won’t happen.
One more time, just to get the point across: Talk to your kids about sex.
What really gets me? They watched me deal with A denying his paternity to The Kiddo (though he doesn’t anymore). They watched it completely break my heart, they knew how difficult it was for me to deal with an onslaught of insults and accusations regarding my sexual history. They called him names, they had a library of explicit insults stored away for his parents who were “not being responsible” and were “letting their bastard son get away with everything”.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
Am I the only one that sees that we are essentially giving these boys reason to go around and have unprotected sex because the message is, “You aren’t responsible for getting her pregnant. She is”.
These sorts of actions and behaviors are exactly why we have adoption agencies encouraging mothers to leave the father’s out of their “adoption plans”. This is why these practices have only just begun to come to light. As long as we have individuals who continue to perpetrate the age old stereotype that the girl is solely responsible for an unplanned pregnancy, we will still have fathers who are being lied to about their own biological children. This sort of insidious behavior of refusing responsibility is a glaring character flaw of our modern society; some people have refused to move forward from these archaic beliefs and the rest of us are left to try to pick up the mess that is a product of living in that ignorant state of mind.
While I shouldn’t be completely surprised at the lack of evolving my family has done, I am admittedly ashamed of them. You’d think after an experience like losing a grandchild, having limited access, and then voicing regret years later, that faced with a similar situation, that they would attempt to do things different. Not necessarily to right their past wrongs, but to show that they understood that they had made a severe error in judgment, and do not wish to replay that experience.
Yet, here we are again.
Yes, unfortunately some people don’t change.
More accurately, some people don’t want to change.
