I’ve been having a bit of an issue with my writing, lately. I’m sort of at this random standstill, and every time I come to my computer to write, I just stare at the screen, or I delete every word I write. My brain is jumbled, my heart feels sad, and for some reason, I can’t seem to will my fingers into moving across the keyboard like they usually do, on their own. I have a head full of words, and I know I need to write, but there is nothing I have been able to do that helps me get past this brick wall.
I’m writing this, writing about this block, in the hopes that acknowledging it will help me move past it. That I will be able to just push through this obstacle, and get back to the writing I am used to. I know, generally speaking, that whenever, this sort of block happens, I’m standing inches away from a huge realization that will change me, and change how I am looking at things again. Change has been the theme of these summer months, and I know that it’s just the very beginning for me.
I could write about the awful I’m Having Their Baby Show that I viewed last night. I could write about how it surprised me but sickened me. But I won’t, because it’s been covered, and other then saying it’s an atrocity to be avoided, there isn’t much else to write about it that hasn’t been said. So, don’t watch it.
I could write about the constant struggle I am having, while The Brother inhabits our second bedroom. I could tell you the tears that I have shed over seeing how desperately his parents have failed him, and the wounds it reopens for me. I could tell you that I am exhausted from trying to figure out how to parent a teenager that is not my own child. Yet, I can’t write about it, and really talk about it. There’s not much to formulate about it. I’m dealing with a shit situation from the hands of my parents. Again. We’ve read about that, we know it’s the norm when it comes to them. What else can I say about their behavior?
I could write about The Kiddo, and how these summer months drag when it comes to him. This is where I usually am in the darkest corner ; there is usually no communication, and nothing to look forward to. While I hate May, I also love it, because it means after the famine, there is a feast. And now, I’m in the middle of the drought, constantly contemplating what my role is, and what I can do to make this open adoption, even slightly more open. If that’s possible. I’m feeling defeated, and worried about the time that is slowing ticking away. Sometimes I think I believe that my willingness to work into an open relationship with them will make it happen. I know better then that.
The changes in my life in the last two months, I believe, are catching up with me. Until I can get a handle on the tulmultous waves in my head, my writing is going to be a battle. This is how I work, inside and out. I just have to fight through it, and eventually, it will settle, and I will have some sort of peace. Every day, I will wake up and attempt to write. Every day I will have a battle with my keyboard, and my mind. And until I get to that place, I’ll just keep trying to do what I do best- write through my “stuff”.
Forgive the silence, it’s mostly unintended, and if I could, like my adoption, will it into fruition, I would.
However, sometimes silence is underrated. Sometimes, there is a time and a place for it. It’s the calm before the storm, maybe?
Yeah, maybe I’ll look at it like that.