The Other Mother

My life has been in a constant state of chaos for awhile. From being fired, to my mental health, to the ordeal with The Brother, and much more, I’ve been constantly moving emotionally. I feel like I’m waving my arms frantically, sprinting from one incident to the next like the clumsy fool I am. Grace, I do not have it.

In a split second, a moment of “what the fuck is the meaning of all this”, I contacted an medium/psychic who came recommended by close friends. Yeah, you heard me. If you are anything like my husband, you are smirking at my idiocy and rolling your eyes. Whatever, some people find God. I found a psychic.

Basically, it was a read on my kids now and in the future, but I was allowed to ask life questions. I paused and reflected on the things I really wanted to ask. What I wanted to know. I sort of felt like Aladdin with the Magic Lamp, knowing I had to ask wisely. With all the insanity surrounding my life right now, I had a lot of good questions for the universe. I didn’t want any more bad news, I wanted a glimmer of hope, a glimmer of something that I could use to say, “Keep pushing through this mess. You can do it, kid”.

Careful, I was.

Even with the lull that is happening in my adoption, for some reason, my first question ended up being about The Kiddo. Of course. Because though my life feels like it’s losing any sense of reason or logic, my heartache surrounding him is still at the forefront of all of my thoughts. Somehow, that grief still manages to leak through into my daily life, and put that never ending pit in my stomach. I want to make it go away, even when I know I can’t.

So I asked,

“Will I have a chance in the near future to have The Kiddo be in my life again? How can I help that process along?”

I waited with baited breath. I waited wondering if she would have the special key or password that would finally grant me the truly open adoption I wish for- a real relationship with my son and his family. I felt silly that I even had to ask. I felt like she would wonder why I wasn’t involved more, or if she would think I was strange for wanting more because that’s “not normal”. The other answers didn’t really feel like they had as much riding on them. No, this was the most important question I had in my whole entire being.

Then it came, the reply:

“Yes, I do think that you will be able to have a good relationship with your Kiddo in your life. I really feel that the mother right now is going to be hesitant, and she’s afraid that The Kiddo is going to pick you over her… what they are showing, is that you need to take things slow, and kinda make it “obvious” the to the parents that your interest is only as a “family friend” and not as his mother. If you approach it in this way, they will give you a chance to be in his life. She needs to know that you think of her as his mother as well (which is difficult I know!) But shes going to otherwise be resistant to more contact otherwise.”

There it was again, that damn “family friend” business. I scowled at that phrase, remembering it all too well from when we were deciding how I would “meet” The Kiddo at his baptism. My scowl deepened and I muttered, “But I am his mother. He has two mothers, and he’s damn lucky for that”.

I read the reading over and over again, the pit in my stomach deepening. Essentially, she was telling me, in order to be in The Kiddo’s life, I had to step back from my own ethics, and beliefs, putting myself in a place I feel is completely shameful. I have been the good, dutiful “birthmother”. I have respected their privacy, I have respected their space. I have never crossed any lines or boundaries. They are his family, and despite my heartache over losing him, I cannot undo what has been done. They are very much his family.

But so am I. The very idea that I completely toss aside my role as his natural mother seems utterly disrespectful.

My coffee in one hand, I relaxed back in the chair, shaking my head. I already knew this answer. I already knew they were willing to introduce us on those terms, and I had completely refused. Not because I want to mother him the same way I mother my children, but that I want him to know who I really am- the woman who gave him life. His mother is the mother who raised him, who has helped him grow and flourish. Neither one of us can negate the other.

And yet.

The reality is that The Kiddo does have two mothers. Two Fathers. Four families. All of that, this big family that surrounds him, whether he knows it or not, does make up a part of who he is. All of us having something beautiful to contribute to his life and to him as a person. I have answers that his adoptive parents may not have, even in something as simple as how I move around a room. His mother, the one who adopted him, knows him better than I, and she likely always will. I respect that each of us, in this odd constellation have our own purpose, and role. He needs us all, in some form, for some reason, and he deserves that.

No, I don’t want to replace anyone’s role, or take away from their importance. I just want to be seen, and for that invisible birthmother cloak to finally be taken off, respectfully. Because, like The Kiddo deserves to have access to his family, I deserve to be completely respected for who I am in this relationship.

And that is, who I am, no matter what, his other mother.

8 Responses to "The Other Mother"

meghann says:

August 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I’m always kind of blown away, when I think about you and your story, that The Kiddo’s a-parents are only willing to introduce you as a family friend.

NOT that they’re only willing to introduce you around at a big gathering that way—which I also think would suck, but is at least a *tiny* bit understandable, to try to avoid awkwardness/weird reactions from unsupportive relatives/etc.—but that they want *him* to know you only as a friend of the family.

My children are three and two years old, and they don’t understand what “adoption” means; they’ve heard that “Mama D” is their mama who carried them in her belly before they were born, and that she couldn’t be their mama the way she wanted to so she chose their papa and I to be their parents. But they don’t know that isn’t how *every* child joins his or her family; they don’t know what it all means yet. But even at their age I can’t imagine not telling them who she is to them.

I wish every time I read your blog that things were different for you. And for The Kiddo. xo

Reply
1. Danielle says:
  
  August 18, 2012 at 5:22 pm
  
  My fear, ultimately, is that a relationship with him is going to be harder and harder to get anytime in the near future. I realize that he will grow up, but I could wait years until I finally get to hear from him, or be in his life. I feel like this hurdle, or this barrier is just going to cause more heartbreak in the long run, you know?
  
  Reply
  1. meghann says:
    
    August 19, 2012 at 6:52 pm
    
    I understand exactly what you are saying. That is one of the primary reasons we wanted our children’s adoptions to be open. We never thought it would make it *easy* but we did figure it would be *easier*, perhaps, having known their first mother all along. And, you know, when they’re pre-teens and teens and have all sorts of questions about their origins, she’ll be around to ask.
    
    I hate to be judgmental, but I can’t wrap my head around how a couple gets to a place where they can adopt a child without being ready to accept that they are not their child’s only parents. Because that’s what I see underneat this reluctance to be truly open, to pretend that you are someone besides his mother: just a simple inabliity to accept that shared role and an unwillingess to even consider that it is coming from a place of protecting themselves instead of their child. (I mean, have they even considered the fact that *eventually* he would probably figure out who you are & be pretty pissed at them for trying to keep that fact from him?)
    
    xo
  2. Thorn says:
    
    August 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm
    
    I definitely think this will make it harder for him in the long run, because not only will he have to redefine his understanding of you, but I suspect he’ll feel like seeing you as a mother is in someway disloyal to the parents who insisted on this “family friend” cover story. So sad and unhelpful (and creepy) and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
Mommysquared says:

August 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Thank you for sharing this post. I am saddened to hear your son’s family is struggling with you being a part of your child’s life … I am a mom through adoption twice and I struggle with hearing other women who close that door and not allow their child/children the family they deserve all of it! I hope they realize you are not going to do any harm just love him and be part of his life.
Keeping you in my thoughts.

Reply
1. Danielle says:
  
  August 18, 2012 at 5:22 pm
  
  I appreciate your kind words, truly.
  
  Reply
Robyn C. says:

August 19, 2012 at 12:33 am

“She needs to know that you think of her as his mother as well” – that is the only part of the psychic’s reading that makes sense to me, and it’s clear that you already realize that Kiddo’s adoptive mother is his mother. But, as you said, SO ARE YOU. She needs to realize that too, and get over her fear.

I can’t imagine not telling my kids who their birth parents are. Even in a big gathering, I would only introduce them as something other than what they are at *their* request. (That is, they don’t want people to make a big deal about it, so they ask me to introduce them with a different relationship.)

My kids each have two moms. Sometimes, that fact is a little uncomfortable for me, but that doesn’t mean I should or will shut those moms out of their lives. I see with my son how important it is to know his birthmother, and I can’t fathom any adoptive parent depriving their son or daughter of that knowledge.

Basically, when I read your blog, I often want to shake the Kiddo’s parents, real hard.

Reply
Kelly says:

August 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I saw a psychic when my husband and I were in our licensing process for foster care. At the time, we had hoped to adopt a boy, or a sibling group, and older children from foster care. The psychic told me that some day I would be my daughter’s Girl Scout leader. At the time, Mack was in High School, so I kind of blew off the psychic reading.

Then last year I found the paper that my reading was on. I found it right after I had sent off a concerned email to the Girl Scout council about my daughter’s troop leader. She suggested I take over the troop due to Mea’s leader quitting. A little weird, huh?

Mea has three Momma’s. She has me, she has her birthmom, and she has her foster mom. We have all earned the right to say that we are her Momma. We just have different roles in her life. Some more active than others, but she wouldn’t be Mea without the three of us.

Thinking of you. xoxo

Reply

Share this:

Leave a Reply Cancel reply