My kids are starting to smirk at me when I’m repeating myself this week. They don’t know that I need to say what I am saying to them, over and over again because I need them to hear me. They also don’t know that I need to say it, over and over because I just feel so helpless.
We’ve been hit with a monstrous crisis. I hate that word, truly. It sounds so dramatic, but there is nothing else that describes the enormity of this situation so well. It just fits. It just is.
Because of this, you have disappeared from my thoughts. Which is so weird for me, especially since it’s May. Especially since it’s been ten years, and especially since, you are always in my thoughts. However, I’ve gone into survival mode. The kind where I go numb, and I start picking up the pieces, and the people around me. I had to, and really, that’s just what I do. It’s how I react. I refuse to feel until everything looks like it’s just as it should be, and there is no one else to help. Everything else gets ignored in my life, because I just don’t have room to think or feel anything except, “Clean this mess up now”.
And so I do it. Which means, I’ve been ignoring the importance of this month for us both. Which has made me feel guilty, so incredibly guilty, but I know I have limits and I have to respect them.
However, you are my son, and I wish I could call you, or see you and tell you the words your brother and sister are hearing every hour. You need to hear them, and I need you to hear them. I just need you to know, because this is comforting to me, and because every child should know it, and hear it often:
You are wonderful. You are smart, and kind, empathetic, and incredibly beautiful. You are stronger than you think. You are braver than you know, and you are the world to me. If you ever need a safe place, there is always one here. In my arms, on my couch, in my world, on the phone. Wherever you need, I will always be here, repeating these same words, over and over again.
I love you, my sweet boy. Don’t let anyone ever think they can put out that fire within you. That fire makes you, you, and there is at least one person in this world that loves you for everything you are.